It's time for me to admit that I just finished a Gilmore Girls binge after loosing something (someone) that was never really mine to begin with.
I'm not sure if I'm admitting that I re watched the whole series, or that my heart was actually broken.
But here's the story and I hope you get something out of it. At least a little bit of courage, strength, or hope. And perhaps feel better that you are not alone in heartbreak.
It All Started So Well
When we first met, I thought I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I secretly admired wedding dresses and allowed myself to fantasize about the life we would share and kids we would have.
On our second date the signs were all there. Animals followed us around, songs about marriage and future husbands played on the radio at the restaurant we ate at, he picked up a piece of garbage he dropped between some rocks, and we shared our idealistic vision of a world that could be.
I love a man who cares about issues larger than himself. I love a man with a vision. And I love a man who is passionate about his work and set in his ways.
He reminds me of Luke Danes. Always in plaid, just a little bit scruffy, agonizingly stubborn, and has to have everything done his way.
He is a grumpy old man. But he was my grumpy old man, and I loved him.
On that second date, I wanted to leap at him and plant my lips all over his face. I would have eaten him whole.
So weird, right?
We were weirdly really into Hannibal and Dexter, both of us with dark sensual senses of humour. I'm not sure it'll be easy to find another one quite like him again.
I Held Back
I don't think I allowed myself to rise to love. Not fully and completely. We've both been hurt badly in the past and so we both held our feelings in check.
The first time he told me he loved me, we were seeing Kinky Boots in Toronto just after Christmas and had had a number of drinks already. My reaction was to tell him to wait until the morning to say it when we were sober. To wait until the perfect moment.
But there is never a perfect moment.
To be honest, I really didn't want kids until I met him. But my mind changed because I wanted to keep a piece of him forever.
Sadly, he didn't feel the same about me.
His feelings changed after reality set in. When the love potion wore off and we were stripped down to mere mortals.
Did I have doubts? Of course. But knowing how the brain works and understanding the spirituality of love, I wanted to reconnect on a different level. I tried so many different ways, but always felt lacking. Like I wasn't good enough. Like the place I was at in life wasn't working for him. I beat myself up and tore myself down trying to be something perfect instead of just being myself.
I started crying a lot. I felt terrible all the time. And I wondered if I was wrong the whole time.
Love makes you do and say crazy things and perhaps I wasn't owning my own strength. But I believed in us and I believe in love and I'm not one to give up until the fat lady sings.
The Fat Lady Sang
In the end, like Lorelaie, I pushed him to make a decision. And like Luke, his response was to let go. It was all too much and not quite enough.
Somewhere in the back of my mind a voice tells me maybe he is just like Luke. Maybe he'll realize what a silly man he is, letting us drift away because of his stubborn pride.
But just like Lorelaie, I threw out everything HIM. Deleted everything socially related to him and spiritually cut our cords, because I couldn't bear to be reminded of the love I just lost.
And so, now, here I am, watching reruns of my beloved Gilmore Girls, mustering the courage of Lorelaie and the brains of Rory to move forward. To stop sulking, pick myself up out of bed after eating a whole lot of candy and pizza, and to go about my life because that's what a Gilmore does.
Gilmore's know they are incredible women who any man would be lucky to have and I am happy to be one of them.
At least in spirit anyway.
Breakups are hard, but not loving yourself enough to move forward is harder. Because leading ladies keep going.
Connect with me if you feel like you need some serenity and a fresh perspective. I know your pain and can help guide you through.
Are you as excited about this reunion as me? What happens with Lorelie and Luke? Who does Rory choose, if any of those guys from the past. I hope for Jess. He matches Rory perfectly. But maybe she found someone else, or decided that being the strong independent woman that she is is enough right now.